At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
