I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
