I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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