Heybabeimwearingurpanties
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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