drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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