He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
