you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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