I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
