Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
