Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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