I got chris browned last night
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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