Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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