I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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