It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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