he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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