Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
