Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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