she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
