He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
