I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
