I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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