I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
