Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
