I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
