Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
