i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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