Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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