i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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