Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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