Im at strip club and am horny
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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