stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
