He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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