your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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