if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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