i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
