When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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