Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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