I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
