every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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