The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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