I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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