Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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