if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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