u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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