I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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