He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
