well you can't waste a boner
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
