apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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