note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
