I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
