at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
