We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
