Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
