I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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