Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
