is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
BRING THE BAGELS
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
