why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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