The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Randomize
